you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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