you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
