My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
