My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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