Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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