I am in a vortex of obligation.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
