remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
