my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
