During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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