If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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