They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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