So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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