hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
