im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
