yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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