look no pants
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
