Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
