Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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