it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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