she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
