did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
