I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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