Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
