My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
