The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
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