after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
