You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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