He uses pillows to masturbate.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
