the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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