Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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