The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i came on her dog
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
