I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
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