dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
