so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
