Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
