I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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