I cannot find my penis.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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