I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
