Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
