her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
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Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
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You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings