I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
