The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
