a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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