you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
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I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
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Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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