You can't special order awesome
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
