I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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