My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You left your phone here
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