Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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