He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
