Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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