How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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