that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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