Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
