Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
