8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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